Eight Kisses
One
You can call
it emptiness, breath, epithet, or oblivion
or love, or the thing we can't
touch, while in motion.
The rush
of your mouth in me like icemelt water,
innocent, surging
like a creek,
touching,
stopped.
Second Kiss
I'd like to eat sunlight like an orange,
and let lighty juices run down my jaw
and neck and chest like afternoon rivers.
I may burn my lips, but that is nothing
to the sweet, resinous heat of summer
roving over your body like a golden hand.
Third Kiss
And we're shine-lit
on the hillside in
the only star.
Fourth Kiss
The soul has no glimmer,
even in this midday sun, and still,
like a screw I would raise it always to drink
from the well of your flowering mouth.
Five
Sixth Kiss
Fishing a line made of average brushes,
casting for angels in the glen of your mouth.
I spied them sleeping on your neck,
watched them rise and fall, white thoughts spinning
from a dandelion in low summer, endured
a lure made of quiet to gather them
as if by wild magic.
The cousined string stretched itself like a lover's hair
across the shoal of your coral shoulder,
the indefinacy of your collars gentle hollow and
the enzyme cast.. .
I am slipping the fingers of angels between my lips
making them lazy with pleasing
then I eat their gauzy wings;
they disappear like spun sugar
in the heat of your mouth.
Seventh Kiss
Am I trying to write durable journals,
words that will weather or remain intact?
More, I'm trying to scribe myself
in the pond of your soul,
moving my hand, writing my name
as a man in your water.
How can I separate the narrow sweeps
of your body from your strangeness, highway light?
True, your body is only the first reflection.
Everything holds your aspect, love.
Movement in good hope,
cover me all like the infused honey sun.
Eighth Kiss
We left the blinds up last night
To watch the snow and lightning,
While the storm of your body
Pressed its anger against my sea,
Your rain greenly beating my ocean,
Useless, useless.
This fine morning you're happy'go'lucky,
Idle lioness, indolent, golden and lazy
And making dream'sound in the erotic
Deep beneath your yielded lips.















Devious Comments
Comments
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"Physical and mental attributes give us the equal ability to kill eachother."
-Thomas Hobbes
The structure and flow are really nice and the long length isn't problematic at all. The variation in length between different parts is good. It's interesting that there is no content in part five, it leaves many possible intepretations. I like the way the parts are arranged. I wouldn't capitalize the beginning of every line, though.
I don't really have many critiques, the repetition of "golden" being the only thing that springs to mind. I also have a hard time picking favorite or least favorite parts. The first stanza of Second Kiss was one of the most powerful, though I'd ditch the second "and".
Quick grammar suggestions:
The soul has no glimmer,
Even in this midday sun, and still,
Suggest no comma at the end of that first line? Just seems very unnecessary.
The enzyme cast.. should have three dots, not two. Sorry for the nitpick.
I too loved the no text in Five...I wondered if maybe you should put a hyphen there, or just an ellipse, anything to show that's intentional so that you don't get idiots going 'but where's the fifth kiss?' Your call entirely, it works either way.
Now, for the compliments.
In fact, I can't even write any. This is too fabulous and beautiful and making me want to think about kissing people in so many different ways that all I can do is fav it and then go lie on my bed quietly for a bit until the urges go away.
Thankyou, chicka.
You're right to call attention to the capitalizations (although not every line is) - they still need work - I'm having difficulty striking a balance between continuity and functioning form.
Thank you for the thoughtful critique - I look forward to hearing more any time
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Your humbleness is showing:
I think you're right about the comma. The line break does the job nicely.
The enzyme cast does have three dots. Look again
And yeah, the no text in five. I've been struggling with how to visually express silence. Well, we'll see where it goes.
I'm happy and glad, thanks
--
Your humbleness is showing:
SATISFY THEM!
--
Your humbleness is showing:
SATISFY THEM.
--
Your humbleness is showing:
Or possibly I just didn't want to sully your lovely poem's comments with the implications of MASTURBATION WHEEEEE.
Well that's why I tend to just numeral them...but I see what you mean. It wasn't that it didn't work, it just made me spend too much time wondering about that and not enough appreciating the words. So it's up to you to decide where you want the focus to be, I guess...it's too early for this.
"The sweet, resinous heat of summer" is one of those really, really great phrases that's going to stick with me for ages. It says so much by combining a pair of words I never would have thought about putting side by side. This whole poem is dreamy and lazy and summer days-y, it's got a long, drawn out, rolling rhythum that just puts you right there in the poem from line one.
The one thing I'd say is that the section under 'Sixth Kiss', is perhaps a little too long.
As I said, the whole thing is drawn out and lazy, but this section goes on just a little too long, it began to distance me as a reader from what you were saying by the time it finished.
I think it just goes over similar things a few times too many. I think it'd benefit from being a couple of lines shorter here and there.
Anyway, like I said, really nice work. The lazy feel, the hot, summery way it rolls over itself, the really potent images, they all remind me of Rebecca by Daphne du Maurier, have you read it?
Anyway, I'd like to
Beautiful work.
--
.:The Romantic Underground:.
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Inspiration. Integrity. In harmony.
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